This study has been several years in the making, and the research was long and painstaking. Final analysis of the results, however, has been slow. In part, this has been due to spending too much time on other projects. J. Nazario's recent work on weight-gain among the iscachick, however, has spurred me on to finishing this study. His results were, for the most part, correct. However, his primary shortcoming was his failure to break the genus iscachickus into it's proper subgroups. He would have us believe his laughable assumption that weight-gain among all four classes of Iscachick is uniform.
This is absurd. Prior work by Halverson(1991), Syers(1993) and Trullinger (1992) have clearly shown that there are distinct sociological and physiological differences between the classes. Indeed, Case(1994) and preliminary research by Moen(1995) shows a progression throughout certain subclasses of the genus.
This study, however, does not deal with weight-gain among Iscachicks. I have already dealt with that in an earlier paper, entitled "Eating as you type: Sticky keys and poor hygiene." Dr. Nazario stated in his introduction that I asserted that weight-gain was in direct proportion to amount of time spent on ISCA. This is not the case. Had he more thoroughly examined my work, he would have found that this is true _only_ for genus sub-class four: Speakus OutLoudicus, the type of iscachick which attempts to regale it's potential mates by relating the situation on Isca, often in near-shouts. This type can be recognized by it's preference for pastels, and a tendency to throw the head back violently during the seizure-like fits of laughter. For more information on the various types of IscaChicks, I recommend Syers (1989), which is the foundation upon which all IscaChick research is based.
Dr. Syers's research in other fields, especially that of the Blondus Satanobitchus Extraordinarious, is highly regarded. I recommend it to anyone even vaguely interested in this subject.
All of this, however, does nothing to advance our knowledge in the field of odor-diffusion properties of the Iscachick. I will use Syers's Standard four (4) classes of iscachicks, but will not duplicate his lengthy work on their definition here. Because of the vastly different physiologies and behavior-patterns between the four groups, the formulae will be different.
We will use Dr. Nazario's standard notation for IscaChick formula. It will be recapped below the formulae themselves.
For Type I IscaChicks (slim, loud, highly annoying): diffusion over time:
dD (N-3000) + (A + Nh)S (3.14159 + F)^2 (f )^0.6 (.004 * ll)
-- = ----- ------- o
dT 425 Ls --
(f )^.088
i
For Type II IscaChicks (large, sweat-pants):
dD (N-1000) + Ls (3.14159 + F)^2 (f )^0.6 (.004 * ll)
-- = ----- ------- o
dT 425 (Nh / A)S --
(f )^.088
i
For Type ][, we notice that the length of the shower is divided by the
amount of forest-like nose hair DIVIDED by arm hair, and then multiplied by
the number of days since the last shower. In addition, base number of fruit
loops is only 1000, leading to much higher diffusion rates than Type I.Type ]I[ IscaChicks (food on clothes, enormous ass):
dD (N-3000) + (A + Nh)S (3.14159 * (F+1))^3 (f )^0.6 (.004 * ll)
-- = ----- ------- o
dT 425 Ls --
(f )^.088
i
Here, the difference is that the number of friends is multiplied by the absolute value of Pi, rather than added to it, and the cubed. As can be seen, diffusion rate of Type ]I[ IscaChicks is radically higher than either type one or type two chicks. Clearly, one's best recourse is simply to avoid being in the lab with them. Should she enter the lab with her friends, the diffusion is almost visible. Type IV IscaChicks (a catchall for others):
dD 1 -- = - dT 0This is the most radical of my proposed equations. The diffusion rate for type for is equal to 1 divided by 0. This yields and infinitely high number, thus showing that the Type IV iscachick is the stinkbomb equivalent of a Halon-fire-suppressant system. When one enters the room, it is best to activate said halon-system (should one be present) and flee. Only then will your olfactory nerves be spared.
Here's the explanation for the codes above, in addition to Dr. Nazario's coding scheme.
N: the number of calories (or fruit loops, whichever is greater)
consumed in the last day.
R: the number of pages to read for class
W: the number of pages to WRITE for class, equal to 4R
d: the number of days said reading/writing is due (this is the stress
factor of the equation)
F: number of friends of said iscachick in the lab with her
f : number of "friends" on the net at the time
i
f : number of "net friends" not on the net at the time
o
T: temperature in kelvins
L: number of friends the looser has in real life
A: amount of dark, forest-like arm hair.
Nh: amount of nose-hair.
S: the number of days since the last shower.
Ls: the length, in hours, of the last shower.
ll: lighting level, in Lumens.
In conclusion, much research remains to be done on this subject.
Particularly, my fourth equation is but a rough approximation. Three of my
companions were killed on this last equation, and I have thus not delved as
deeply into the subject matter as is possible.This work is a call-to-arms, comrades. More research is required in this area, and all of you have the research, skill, and savoir-faire to fill in this gap in our knowledge.
Other areas requiring further research are Dustus Inferiorus, which comes from the Latin Dustus (meaning he whose two brain cells fight) and Inferiorus (meaning a marked lack of quality. To wit, the Plymouth Volare).
Also, the lack of cool arcade-style games for the mac, the prevalence of consulting firms, the size of the ego belonging to Robus Kleinendorstus, Geometric Thigh-growth associated with Kyrae Whatsernamesis, Suzannus Lyndstromus and Kristenia Larsenia. The tendency of people to pair off in their junior and senior years in college, and the high number of serial killers in Wisconsin. The phenomena of Micro-shaftus Standardia, in which people, upon discovering a flaw in their major-manufacturer-software, declare it a new standard.
Anyway....anyone?